The year that broke me, and where God moved miraculously
Wowow. Have you ever been in a season in your life where you literally thought, “WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!” haha. That was 2025 for me.
I don’t get hopeless often, I mean the slogan for the Mentorship Cohort I host annually is literally “Get Your Hopes Up”. Hope is IMPORTANT, so what do you do when it seems your hope is struggling?
Your hope for your future. Your hope that God will answer prayers. Your hope for feeling joy in your everyday life. When your hope begins to fade, your heart gets sick… “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” Proverbs 13:12
A longing fulfilled. Does that mean that if your longing and desires aren’t met by God that hope just isn’t available for you? That you have to live kinda dreading your current life?
I sure hope not ;). No, that’s not what it means my friend.
When a longing of yours isn’t met, hopelessness becomes an option the enemy offers you to take and chew on. But when your longing is ultimately the Lord, He will become a tree of life within you. And He will answer your longings in His own way.
It may not be the child, the rekindled relationship, the new financial opportunity or the timing you thought… but God WILL answer you and give you living water. It’s just what He does.
He will answer you with Himself. He will offer you HIMSELF, and Lord willing He will offer you other fruit and blessings as well.
For 6 years, I didn’t get the baby and family I hoped for and longed for. Instead I walked through a longgg season of loss, waiting, stolen anticipation… But I DID NOT LIVE IN HOPELESSNESS. Why?
Because the miracle is not what I’m after solely. It has to be Jesus.
Because GOD WAS NEAR TO ME and met me in my grief. He picked me up and led me forward in ways of peace. In ways of fruitfulness and fulfilling assignments. He was the closest friend, never leaving me even when I was deeply angry with Him and in deep grief.
YOU WON’T NEED HOPE IN HEAVEN… IT’S A GIFT FOR YOU TODAY HERE ON EARTH.
BUT THERE WAS A YEAR, 2025, THAT STOLE MY HOPE FOR A MOMENT. 2025 was the year that broke me, and where God moved miraculously.
Let me tell you the story <3
2025 began with our Church’s annual 21 days of praying and fasting/revival nights, and if I’m being honest? i felt desperate and cynical all at the same time LOL. I had spent 4 JANUARY’S OF 21 DAYS OF PRAYER AND FASTING, believing that God would allow us to get pregnant or grow our family… 4 years of fasting for something only for January and the calendar year to pass with nothing…
So I didn’t want to do it.
Reluctantly LOL I did do it. If I’m being honest, I didn’t even do it fully. And one Revival Night my husband Ryan and I were leading worship and got to lead this song together where the bridge said “Anything is Possible”. I will remember that moment for years.
I placed my hand on my husbands back and together we sang and prophesied this truth over the congregation… anything IS possible for the Lord. And whether He does it for us, my husband (I was praying for his joy to be restored), or someone in the crowd… God WAS ABLE.
God answered our prayers that January, not of a child, but of Ryan getting his joy restored back to him after living as a shadow of himself for so many years (we shared that story here). We were so immensely grateful!
My husband was back… and that was a GREAT GIFT.
But another January had passed… I had friends pray over us at the final Revival Night and received a text messages from a friend I trusted saying,
“I just really believe that 2025 is your year. The year the Lord is going to answer your prayer of a baby.” -Christine
I received that word. And it was only January, so I held on to that Word (in my flesh thinking this is possibly)- but deeply in my soul believing this HAD to be the year.
The timeline of us getting older, our parents getting older was really started to trouble me. But more than that… I had been walking this journey of infertility for 6 years… I had grieved with God, learned how to take my thoughts captive, learn how to find peace in the midst of anxiety, began mentoring other women in seasons of waiting, HOSTED RETREATS where we saw God move in unimaginable ways for women… ALL in the midst of my waiting.
The waiting had turned to a season of deep purpose. One where God was moving abundantly, even though a child wasn’t in my belly yet.
… but deep down my soul just sensed that our long season of waiting, was reaching it’s ceiling.
But boy oh boy 2025 had one final punch ;)
In March of 2025 we followed a nudge to pursue for fertility treatments, we quickly were able to begin a cycle of IUI and for the first time in 4 YEARS…. I got a positive pregnancy test.
However it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy… one that truly shook my faith. It felt like ultimate WHIPLASH. I share about that experience here, and how it was also laced with God’s Hope.
But it felt like whiplash because it felt like God had led us to that decision.
We had so many God moments leading up to it, even someone from Church who spoke another word over us that we would be pregnant… and then we got pregnant with the IUI… only for it to fail. Only for another loss, and stolen anticipation.
I NEVER expected it. I had prayed God wouldn’t allow me to get pregnant if I would have another loss. And yet… whiplash :).
3 days after finding out it was Ectopic, I hosted my first Refresh Retreat of the year. Again, I share the wholeeee story which was filled with the Lord here.
But if I’m honest, 2025 felt like the year of the final push. I hosted 2 Retreats and 1 mentorship Cohorts and they all were acts of obedience for me… I didn’t feel like myself in 2025. And yet, God worked anyways.
And BOY did He move in women’s lives this year despite of me, and I praise Him endlessly for His love for His daughters.
But my faith was shaken after that IUI. GOD BROKE ME DOWN, and evaluated my faith.
Was my faith in a positive test? HCG levels? Or was it knowing I was going to be okay, because of HIM alone?
It took my body longer than normal to recover from the Ectopic, about 2 months. With the entire IUI process-finally being healed from the Ectopic lasting from April to August.
That’s a lot of 2025…. :)
I shifted my focus after a summer of rest to hosting our second Retreat in the mountains in September. 3 DAYS BEFORE (de ja vu) haha we got a call that we had been matched for ADOPTION.
We led that Retreat (GOD MOVED IN MIRACULOUS WAYS), and then a month later got a call that our adoption had failed.
WHIPLASH.
“What do you even mean?”……………
How could God do this? Steal our anticipation once again? Right after the Ectopic? What did this mean?! Why were all doors to growing our family SHUTTING, when deep down we were in turmoil sensing they SHOULD be opening?
And that my friend… is when my hopelessness came. Not 24/7, but it was on the scene.
I was completely undone. It was deeper than any miscarriage grief. Deeper than anything I had ever experienced. I was hopeless and often depressed.
And yet, the same week I began hosting a semester of my Mentorship Cohort that had already been planned. And it was powerful…. but again I didn’t feel like myself. It was obedience, and God moved in spite of me.
Because it’s not about us, anyways, is it? :)
And brought me a fulfilling assignment in the midst of my DEEP grief.
It took my eyes off of myself to see God moving in so many other ways and other women. It helped keep HOPE on the scene on my heart.
One final push….
Little did I know, what was coming. <3
We thought our adoption had failed for 2 months. I blogged about it here, along with my blueprint for grieving well with the Lord.
Those 2 months GOD ALLOWED ME TO BE BROKEN DOWN AGAIN. What would I do, when it seemed everything was falling apart around me?
It was the deepest grief I’ve ever experienced, and yet God.sat.with.me. and offered me HIMSELF.
I have this stubborn resolve…. I will not give up on the Lord.
And you don’t have to either <3
So I grieved. I didn’t have a pretty bow to tie anything up with, I couldn’t tell you why God did what He did, there wasn’t a “purpose” revealed in the pain… no. Sometimes you simply need to grieve.
It’s CRUCIAL.
And now, looking back… I’m so grateful for those 2 months of deep grief when we thought our adoption had failed. Because it was then where I realized that God remained steadfast even when I didn’t believe anything good was happening.
Over Thanksgiving break I even took some time to fast and pray about how God wanted us to move forward… I asked so many questions. And I just didn’t get anywhere.
I didn’t any answers. God didn’t tell me something He wanted me to do to move forward…. because little did I know, I didn’t have to.
If I would remain in the Lord, in just 2 weeks our worlds were about to change.
I felt lost. And God didn’t RUSH to my side to make sure I was all happy go lucky and having all the answers I needed… no He let me be. He let me draw close to Him, and He does the same for you. He showed me He was taking care of me in so many little ways, that I knew “If He cares about this little piece of my heart, then surely He sees the big pain.”
It was in those two months where I finally knew finally “I 10000% want a child with Ryan.”
And it was in those two months where I was left vulnerable… in the open space of simply needing God to do a miracle.
And I had to get to the point, where I realized it actually might not happen. Like legit this time… every door seemed to be closed. And if that WAS the case… what was I going to do?
What will YOU do, my friend?
Can I encourage you? At the end of the day… who have we but the Lord? Where are we to go? Who will comfort our souls the way we need? No one.
None, but Jesus.
So I resolved, with peace, to not give up on the Lord. To not harbor bitterness and sit in anger. To not hold my hand up against God in pride and sadness, but instead to open them up again.
God has shown me so much Scripture during our miscarriages and season of waiting, but there’s one that is a favorite:
“Those who SOW in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!” Psalm 126:5
2025 was coming to an end, and I had so many questions about the words of promise I had received amidst the deepest pain that this year had held. Another Christmas with prayers unfulfilled was ahead, and then another January of 21 days of fasting and praying…. :/
But all I could do, and all you can do… is follow Psalm 126’s promise > SOW in tears.
Don’t just sit in your tears… SOW.
What does that mean? Offer your tears as a sacrifice of worship to the Lord. Sow in seeds of faith, even when the tears are present. SOW seeds of faith… choose to love God anyways, choose to move forward in ministry anyways, choose to find God’s beauty in your everyday anyway, serve Him and others anyway.
SOW!!
You can’t reap, what you don’t sow.
And IF you sow IN tears, well then, you WILL reap with SHOUTS OF JOY!
Sadness isn’t an excuse to not worship God, confusion isn’t either. It’s an avenue in which you can.
You see… December 7th was coming, and I was preparing to preach at our Church. I felt like I needed to share our story of ectopic and a failed adoption. So as I was writing my message, I included it within one of my points… the message was about God being a God of peace.
December 7th came, and as I’m about to walk onto the stage… our Pastor leans over and tells me news that changes my world forever….
… ADOPTION STORY COMING SOON <3 <3
I’m so glad I sowed in tears. For shouts of JOY, we’re on the way. And if they were for me, after 6 years of tears… I know for certain God cares and sees YOU as well my dear friend.
“Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful". " James 5:11
xoxoxo,
Lanissa Spoon (MAMA)