My goodness, friends. I’m so glad you’re here. I love you so dearly.

If someone sent you to this way, we’ve never met before, or you’ve been following along for a while- I want you to know that you aren’t just a number here… I believe in what the Lord is doing in your life and I PRAY for you even though I may not know you. So much so, that I have prayed so diligently in asking the Lord the right way to share this part of our story. Because above all, you need to know that God is for you.

You know, I believe there is a difference between transparency and vulnerability. And so often online people are transparent, when it isn’t the proper place or time to be. Vulnerability is a gift- it draws us closer to each other and gives us hope. Vulnerability is being honest with how you’re really doing… transparency is giving all the details.

Vulnerability means you can show up REAL, not have to fake it when things are difficult. And when you show up that way, God’s gift of community can rush in and the weight of life begins to lift.

Transparency is sharing the details in the right setting, with those God has given you the green light in which to share it.

SO. Over the last 4 months, I haven’t given all the details on social media… because it wasn’t the place or time. Someone scrolling by didn’t need to be hit with all my details… though seeing my vulnerability was okay for the time being.

But today, the Lord woke me up at 6am and I knew it was time to share a bit of my story. Because it is in the details, where we see God at work within our lives. So here I sit at my make-shift dining room table haha (we just moved into a new home), with a candle lighting the room in front of me, wrapped up in a blanket and hoping that in the next few paragraphs you will remember how your God takes care of you.

If you’ve been here for a bit you know that my husband Ryan and I have been trying to grow our family for almost 6 years now. That’s wild. Some of it honestly flew by…

4 years ago, we got pregnant for the first time and then experienced a terribly miscarriage at 11 weeks that landed me in the Hospital a few times. I have shared many details and blogged about this, if you need PEACE in the midst of your miscarriage. <3 Because truly, it was that season of my life where God transformed me into a new woman.

The way He met me with His peace was remarkable. It was in that season I learned how to take my thoughts captive and combat anxiety. It was so difficult, and yet God was THERE. And I’m thankful for that season.

4 years went by since that miscarriage and… NOTHING. No pregnancy, no positive test, nada. The Lord birthed so much purpose through those years in launching our Refresh Retreats and Mentorship Cohorts, renewing our family’s JOY.

And while we weren’t seeing the fruit of a baby, I remember one night God vividly saying to me, “Who do you desire more? Me or a child.” And a resolve birthed within me… “Above it all, I want Jesus. The LORD is my portion. HE is my reward. And my life is not my own, it is His for His glory. In that, I can rest and find joy.”

Fast forward to 6 months ago, I finally felt peace to go and do some fertility testing again with a new company. For the first time in years, I wasn’t frightened to get a procedure done or anxious about walking into an infertility clinic. I had peace.

So we did, and very quickly were able to move forward with an IUI (the nurse at our initial meeting literally said, we could start next week). So with HOPE and joy, we said yes. And moved forward.

I went through all the blood work and tests, received fervent prayer from our main people, and then one Friday morning woke up and drove to our Fertility Clinic to get the IUI done.

I remember crying a release type cry in the car…. I felt hopeful and was just so grateful to be there. Finally!

They tell you to wait 2 full weeks after your procedure to take a pregnancy test.

So I did… and the Friday before Easter Sunday woke up and ran to the bathroom to take a test. To my shock, it was negative.

I started to bleed the next day. My husband and I work at a Church, so Easter Sunday was GAME ON. And honestly, a blur.

But that Saturday before Easter we had prayer as a Church staff and I remember just crying and pouring my heart and anger out to the Lord. My people prayed for me and then I felt the Lord say, “You’re good enough right here in your grief. You don’t have to turn this grief into purpose yet… you’re good enough even here.” And that blew me away. I was so thankful for that moment and God’s gentleness toward me. I needed that time of grieving.

WELLLLLLL PLOT TWIST.

The Monday after Easter I went back into my Fertility Clinic and we decided we would get started on another round of IUI. They took my initial blood work, and sent me home.

A few hours later I get a phone call… “Hey Lanissa! So your bloodwork came back and it actually came back that you’re pregnant!”

WHAT. SHUT UP. ARE YOU SURE?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOW?!

I RAN TO PUBLIX TO BUY A PREGNANCY TEST (even accidentally left my car running as I went in hahah I was so excited). Once home I took the test… and for the FIRST TIME in 4 years…. Let me say that again. For the FIRST TIME EVER IN 4 YEARS, the pregnancy test wasn’t negative. It was positive. I don’t just get positive tests!

'I screamed, I fell the ground crying. And this one was dark and immediate. I couldn’t believe it. Neither could Ryan when I rushed to the Church to tell him haha.

It felt like our little surprise secret since our people still only knew that our IUI had “failed”. I told some of my best friends that night and it was surreal.

Honestly, I still didn’t fully believe it. Because I was still bleeding some here and there.

Needless to say, the next month was an absolute ROLLER COASTER. Every other day I went in for blood work, and my blood work was irregular… and then regular.

Was everything okay.. or NOT?

God invited us to STIR OUR FAITH and believe.

And there were times where I didn’t even need the doctor to call me, I already knew within my spirit what my hormone levels were doing because God gave me the peace.

But then my HcG levels kept being very strange, and after a follow-up scan at 6 weeks… we heard the dreaded words “You’re having an ectopic pregnancy and you need to go to the ER right now.” This happened 3 DAYS before our May Refresh Retreat, so the doctor also added “And you may have to cancel your Retreat.”

……………..

So we went to the ER. Distraught. Because honestly. This was exactly what I prayed AGAINST. “Lord just don’t let me get pregnant again if it is going to end in loss. I’d honestly rather just not.” “Lord if I DO lose, please let it not be an ectopic pregnancy.”

And both of those exact things ended up happening, even while praying with deep faith. But oh friend, God never let us go. Life is so much more than we perceive with our natural eyes sometimes.

I went to the ER and they told me my body seemed to have been dealing with the ecoptic on its own and I didn’t need any treatment.

So by the GRACE AND PROVISION OF GOD I was feeling fine and able to host our May Retreat (with an amazing God-send team by my side)!

While at that Retreat I had to go to the ER where I passed a big blood clot, and God was in all the details that night. He moved in women’s lives at that Retreat despite of me. It was incredible.

Once home, I had follow up appointments and discovered my body had stalled and I was going to need treatment. I didn’t know this, so maybe you don’t either, but an IUI can be fatal. If the pregnancy burts your tube or your Hcg doesn’t lower you could go septic basically.

I ended up having to make the decision to either do a shot or surgery to heal from the ectopic. I chose a shot, and headed to the ER for the 5th time.

Even there, the nurses I had were so compassionate toward me and I could sense God taking care of me in the midst of this surreal experience.

HERE’S THE THING, from that shot to now… IT TOOK MY BODY 4 MONTHS TO HEAL. For 4 months, I was in survival mode… is my body going to be okay or not?

Yet God knew, and He was protecting me so much more than I ever knew. He is doing the same for you.

Slowly my body did what it was supposed to.

Ryan and I were even able to go on an international trip to NORWAY toward the end of that 4 months, and it felt like a true gift. Space to be surrounded by God’s grandeur in the fjords… space to just be and finally eat whatever I wanted (I was on a STRICT no folate diet for a month), breathe, begin to process with God.

But honestly, this whole ectopic pregnancy felt like I was completely blind sided. WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT ABOUT?!?! Seriously.

I don’t know. One day I hope I will. But right now I don’t. And that’s okay. Because what I DO know, is that God was present and never left.

selah

2 days after my 30th Birthday my Fertility doctor told me I was finally in the clear. I could finally begin to move forward and grieve.

Don’t miss the grieving. <3

So that’s what I’ve been doing. Not faking it. But finally not in survival mode. Simply just BEING and inviting God to meet me here. Choosing that resolve over and over again, “What I want most is the Lord” and seeking Him in my anger, sorrowful tears and deep grief.

Letting Him love me where I was, and yet choosing to do my grief in a posture of surrender.

And along the way, over the past 3 weeks, I have felt His comfort.

Why did God allow that? I don’t know. But I DO know that He protected me and took care of me. So much so that a Retreat and Trip to Norway was able to happen. So much so that my body was safe in Him, even when I didn’t see it.

To close out this story, I’ll share one more thing. I went out to get ice cream with my best friend right before our Norway Trip and I was telling her I just couldn’t believe that what I prayed against actually happened. And she said, “Perhaps God needed you to know that it wasn’t the results that kept you safe. It wasn’t in your numbers or Hcg levels doing what they ought to. It wasn’t in not having an ectopic, where you found peace. Those things aren’t the answer. HE IS THE ANSWER. JESUS is the One who keeps you safe, who is your peace.”

And that’s when my body took a big exhale. God was with me, and He wastes nothing.

So I’m not on the other side with a baby in my arms yet. I come to you in the middle, still in some grief, pursuing joy in the morning. And one thing I know deep within my bones… Jesus remains.

He reigns above it all. He loves me. And He loves you. He is here with me, and is taking care of my steps.
And the story isn’t over yet. <3

I love you my friend. TAKE HOLD OF HOPE! My story of pain doesn’t mean your story will be the same. But my testimony of God’s faithfulness IS yours to hold on to!

“There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.” 1 John 4:18

Get your Hopes up,

xoxo Lanissa