Unexpected Family Update Take 2 & How to Grieve with God
Well hello my dear friends. I did NOT expect to be writing a blog post like this so soon after my last Growing Our Family Update.
But here we are <3. When I think of you friends and the friendship we have formed here online (and in person via Retreats), you are my girls.
And so it’s strange to keep things from you. I want to share our story with you, and bring you along the real life of seeing the faithfulness of God unfold.
I’ve recently been learning though, that there is a time and a place. And not everything needs to be shared right away, or even at all publicly. I shared more about that here.
So that’s why my heart has really been drawn to blogging lately.
A place where we can have a deeper conversation together as opposed to a sound bite.
It’s here where I can share things as I would if I saw you in the lobby at Church on Sunday and just wanted to hug you and share what’s been going on. I’d give you some details as the Lord led.
I wouldn’t necessarily share all those details preaching from the stage, but as the Lord leads.
Scrolling on social media and being HIT with people’s stories when you weren’t even looking for it, and your heart wasn’t ready for it is not helpful.
But if you feel ready to hear the story, and you choose to click on over to the blog post- well, there we can grab a virtual cup of coffee and share with one another.
So that’s what I felt nudged to do today.
Imperfect and real time.
If I’m being honest, I AM grateful for the last 6 years of trying to grow our family… because I’ve been able to meet you in the MIDDLE. Not just on the other side of the promise.
Because what do you do in the middle? When loss keeps happening? When the answered prayer and promise hasn’t come yet?
How do you handle grief in real time, in a Godly way? What does it look like to not just wait around, but to live awake to the Lord in the in-between?
I’m a regular girl just like you, and so I’m not perfect. But the one resolve that has kept me going the most, in the in-between, is a resolve to not give up on the Lord.
WHY?!
Because who else do I have but the Lord? Who else do I have to comfort my soul and deeply heal me, but the Lord?! Who else was I created for except Him?
How about you? <3
Where else is worthy of our attention, but Jesus?
So here we are together- I share this as an act of laying down our story and letting it be a place where God can receive glory. For nothing will deny Him the glory that is His.
His glory can be revealed however He desires it to be. He isn’t a people pleaser. But He is a kind God who loves His children and works things in ways that are far better than any story we could have written ourselves.
We HAVE to know what is true about our God, friend.
Because if not, you and I will create all sorts of stories and “reasonings” for why we go through this and that in order to comfort ourselves and make sense of it all.
But God is bigger and better than our finite minds. He offers Himself fully to us, but that doesn’t mean we understand all of His ways.
What He DOES give us, is His presence.
And what if His presence revealed in your life in the “not yet” is actually where His glory is shown?
I pray fervently for children and for God to grow our family in that way.
But I choose to not deny Him the glory that is His, EVEN WHEN I DON’T HAVE THAT THING I’VE BEEN CONTENDING FOR.
I wonder the peace you could receive, if you chose the same? I wonder how the deep love and care of God would RUSH in if you chose HIM, even here and even now…
Here’s our update…
4 months ago, I experienced an ectopic pregnancy. I share all about it in our last Family Update (laced with Hope). I experienced that after 3 years of NO positive pregnancy tests at all and a 12week miscarriage (blighted ovum) in 2021.
It truly blind sided me.
God took such good care of me during that grief (and He wants to do the same for you), and we were told that we needed to wait 4-6 months before attempting another pregnancy or fertility treatment like an IUI.
So we took a sort of deep breath and just enjoyed our summer, and I tried to shift my attention to planning and hosting our second Refresh Retreat of 2025!
For the past year and a half, we have also been a waiting family for adoption.
I think this is the first time I’ve ever shared that online to the public. We felt a GENTLE leading to pursue adoption and so we got our home study approved and began waiting.
After the ectopic pregnancy our home study was due for renewal.
And let me tell you, I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT. Because at that point I was fresh in the grief of another loss, and I simply didn’t see the point.
But we chose to do simply as a step of faith. That’s it.
No happy feelings, straight faith.
Well about 3 months after the ectopic pregnancy, we got a surprise phone call that there was possibly a birth mom joining our agency who was expecting a baby soon.
We began praying for her fervently- having a heart for her right away.
And then about a week later, 5 DAYS BEFORE MY REFRESH RETREAT lolol why do these things happened at the SAME time as our Retreats haha… we got the phone call that that mom wanted us.
She didn’t want anyone else… just us.
We couldn’t believe it. We spent the weekend praying. Ended up saying YES with so much joy, raised and sent $18,000 and were given a “congratulations!!!!! It’s happening. Start nesting, we’re so excited for you.” from our Agency.
Literally the NEXT day after saying yes, we drove to the mountains to host our Refresh Retreat. I told my best friend in person, ended up telling the girls at the Retreat, and in the weeks following we were able to write a letter to our birth mom and even bought a rocker.
I’ve never bought ANYTHING for our babies.
But we thought, this HAS to be our miracle baby. SO many details of the story felt like God was writing the most incredible redemption story.
This was the reason for the ectopic and in faith renewing our home study… this was it.
Until one Friday afternoon we got another surprise phone call that sent me into the deepest grief I’ve ever felt.
Our adoption had failed. Our adoption was off. No more miracle baby.
It’s one thing for your body to seemingly not withhold a pregnancy, it’s a completely different story when it seems like ANY avenue to growing your family in general is completely shut down.
People didn’t understand failed adoption grief. Why would you be so sad about a child that wasn’t yours or wasn’t here yet?
If you have to ask… I probably don’t have the energy to try and explain it to you.
sorry… sassy Lanissa coming out LOL
We would get excited, begin to dream of our future and leave a season of grief- only for that anticipation to be stolen from us.
3 times now. 2 times in a 4 month period.
Let’s just say… I have had SO much whiplash this year.
And that week was the saddest I have ever had. I was so angry with God, so overcome with grief and fear about our future and timeline.
And in those moments, you and I have an opportunity.
To isolate or to be seen.
I was not pretty, I was deeply broken. But I had to let my people in. Right away I sent texts to just 2 or 3 people including our Pastors… then as the days and weeks went on a few more.
I was held by their prayer and speaking encouragement, love and truth over me when I quite literally felt like I was drowning and hopeless.
How do you grieve well as a Christian?
You start by grieving while letting God into the room.
Don’t fake your emotions, don’t try to make positivity out of a crappy situation.
GRIEVE for crying out loud. <3
Simply feel, but imagine doing it in front of the Father’s throne. In His presence… with Him sitting in front of you in your bedroom or on your back porch.
Let Him be there with you, and simply feel what you need to feel. Say what you need to say.
I simply woke up every day, and let God in. I let my people in. And I didn’t fake it.
I grieved as an act of worship. I had nothing else to bring, but Scripture says “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:17
and, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
and, “What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” Psalm 8:4
You can do this too. <3
Over the course of a few days, this small small candlelight of hope began to flicker deep in my soul.
I didn’t know what it meant, or how the heck to move forward- that wasn’t needed for right now.
What I DID need to know, and what you do too, is that all is not lost. The GOD OF HOPE is flickering inside of you.
And somehow, someway… you’re slowly coming out of the deep darkness.
Because, my friend, deep darkness isn’t meant to last forever.
“ the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
It truly was only the Lord and community that lifted Ryan and I out of that darkness over the course of a few weeks.
And slowly, I’m starting to pray about what our next steps should be.
Honestly, I share this because I know that God has a story and testimony He is writing. And I don’t want to keep a part of our story quiet, when I know there are others out there who need to see they aren’t alone and that the Lord IS NEAR.
So I don’t have a pretty bow to tie this up with, but one thing I find true over and over and over again is that:
“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine…” Song of Solomon 6:4
If I have nothing else, I have Jesus and He will never leave me. He heals me through COMMUNITY and the intimate times just me and Him.
And that’s what life is all about.
Being with the Lord and falling deeper in love with the God who is never shaken, even when you are.
So who knows how God will finish this story of growing our family?
But I’m not giving up on Him. I pray you never will either my friend.
With all my love,
Lanissa