Unexpected Family Update Take 2 & How to Grieve with God
Well hello my dear friends. I did NOT expect to be writing a blog post like this so soon after my last Growing Our Family Update.
But here we are <3. When I think of you friends and the friendship we have formed here online (and in person via Retreats), you are my girls.
And so it’s strange to not share big things that happen within our lives. I want to share our story with you, and bring you along the real life of seeing the faithfulness of God unfold.
I’ve recently been learning though, that there is a time and a place. And not everything needs to be shared right away, or even at all publicly but rather with a close few. I shared more about that here.
So that’s why my heart has really been drawn to blogging lately.
A place where we can have a deeper conversation together as opposed to a sound bite.
It’s here where I can share things as I would if I saw you in the lobby at Church on Sunday and just wanted to hug you and share what’s been going on. I’d give you some details as the Lord led.
I wouldn’t necessarily share all those details preaching from the stage, but rather as the Lord leads publicly and individually.
Scrolling on social media and being HIT with people’s stories when you weren’t even looking for it, and your heart wasn’t ready for it is not always helpful.
But if you feel ready to hear the story, and you choose to click on over to the blog post- well, there we can grab a virtual cup of coffee and share with one another.
So that’s what I felt nudged to do today.
Imperfect and real time.
If I’m being honest, I AM grateful for the last 6 years of trying to grow our family… because I’ve been able to meet God, and you, in the MIDDLE. Not just on the other side of the promise.
Because what do you do in the middle? When loss keeps happening? When the answered prayer and promise hasn’t come yet?
How do you handle grief in real time, in a Godly way? What does it look like to not just wait around, but to live awake to the Lord in the in-between?
The one resolve that has kept me going the most, in the in-between, is a resolve to not give up on the Lord.
WHY?!
Because who else do I have but the Lord? Who else do I have to comfort my soul and deeply heal me, but the Lord?! Who else was I created for except Him?
And what about you? <3
Where else is worthy of our attention, but Jesus?
So here we are together- I share this as an act of laying down our story and letting it be a place where God can receive glory. For nothing will deny Him the glory that is His.
His glory can be revealed however He desires it to be. He isn’t a people pleaser. But He is a kind God who loves His children and works things in ways that are far better than any story we could have written ourselves.
I need to believe that.
Honestly? We HAVE to know what is true about our God, friend.
Because if not, you and I will create all sorts of stories and “reasonings” for why we go through this and that in order to comfort ourselves and make sense of it all.
But God is bigger and better than our finite minds. He offers Himself fully to us, but that doesn’t mean we understand all of His ways.
What He DOES give us, is His presence.
And what if His presence revealed in your life in the “not yet” is actually where His glory is shown? What if Him being near to you in the pain, is Him receiving glory? What if the way He takes care of you is?
I pray fervently for children and for God to grow our family in that way.
But I want to choose to not deny Him the glory that is His, EVEN WHEN I DON’T HAVE THAT THING I’VE BEEN CONTENDING FOR.
I wonder the peace you could receive, if you chose the same?
I wonder how the deep love and care of God would RUSH in if we chose HIM, even here and even now…
So here’s our update…
4 months ago, I experienced an ectopic pregnancy. I share all about it in our last Family Update (laced with Hope). I experienced that after 3 years of NO positive pregnancy tests at all and a 12week miscarriage (blighted ovum) in 2021.
The ectopic truly blind sided me.
God took such good care of me during that grief (and He wants to do the same for you), and we were told that we needed to wait 4-6 months before attempting another pregnancy or fertility treatment like an IUI.
So we took a sort of deep breath and just enjoyed our summer, and I tried to shift my attention to planning and hosting our second Refresh Retreat of 2025!
For the past year and a half, we have also been a waiting family for adoption.
I think this is the first time I’ve ever shared that online to the public. We felt a GENTLE leading to pursue adoption and so we got our home study approved and began waiting.
After the ectopic pregnancy our home study was due for renewal.
And let me tell you, I DIDN’T WANT TO DO IT. Because at that point I was fresh in the grief of another loss, and I simply didn’t see the point.
But we chose to do it simply as a step of faith. That’s it.
No happy feelings, straight faith.
Well about 3 months after the ectopic pregnancy, we got a surprise phone call that there was possibly a birth mom joining our agency who was expecting a baby soon.
We began praying for her fervently- having a heart for her right away.
And then about a week later, 5 DAYS BEFORE MY REFRESH RETREAT lolol (why do these things happened at the SAME time as our Retreats?)… we got the phone call that that mom wanted us.
She didn’t want anyone else… just us.
We couldn’t believe it. We spent the weekend praying. Ended up saying YES with so much joy, raised and sent $18,000 and were given a “congratulations!!!!! It’s happening. Start nesting, we’re so excited for you.” from our Agency.
Literally the NEXT day after saying yes, we drove to the mountains to host our Refresh Retreat. I told my best friend in person, ended up telling the girls at the Retreat, and in the weeks following we were able to write a letter to our birth mom and even bought a rocker.
I’ve never bought anything for our babies.
But we thought, this HAS to be our miracle baby.
SO many details of the story felt like God was writing the most incredible redemption story.
Have you ever felt that way?
This was the reason for the ectopic and in faith renewing our home study… this was it.
Until one Friday afternoon we got another surprise phone call that sent me into the deepest grief I’ve ever felt.
Our adoption had failed. Our adoption was off. No more miracle baby.
I want to be very clear here that I am simply sharing my emotions and thoughts in hopes to meet the woman who is also grieving right where she is, but also to share the faithfulness of God in the midst of grief. I honor our birth mom and the brave decisions she makes. I understand that adoption is complex, and I bless and honor our birth mom.
It’s one thing for your body to seemingly not withstand a pregnancy, it’s a completely different story when it seems like ANY avenue to growing your family in general is completely shut down.
What is God doing?!
How am I supposed to move forward?
What in the world was the purpose of this? So much loss in such little time…
People didn’t seem to understand failed adoption grief, and on top of miscarriage grief- how do I go on in my normal day to day when something like this has happened?
Have you had questions like these? Walked through something where you feel like people don’t understand either. That can feel very lonely. I see you friend.
We would get excited, begin to dream of our future and leave a season of grief- only for that anticipation to be stolen from us.
3 times now. 2 times in a 4 month period.
Let’s just say… I have had so much whiplash this year. haha
And that week was the saddest I have ever had. I was so angry with God, so overcome with grief and fear about our future and timeline.
And in those moments, you and I have an opportunity.
To isolate or to be seen.
I was not pretty, I was deeply broken. But I had to let my people in. Right away I sent texts to just 2 or 3 people including our Pastors… then as the days and weeks went on a few more.
I was held by their prayers, love and speaking encouragement, love and truth over me when I quite literally felt like I was drowning and hopeless.
Often we have so many questions for God.
And that’s okay.
We don’t have to make sense of it just yet, but we do need to be held.
How do you grieve well as a Christian?
You allow yourself to be held as you grieve.
Grieve while letting God into the room. Grieve as an act of worship. When all you have to give is a broken heart, don’t withhold it.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” Psalm 51:17
and, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18
and, “What is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?” Psalm 8:4
Don’t fake your emotions, don’t try to make positivity out of a crappy situation.
GRIEVE for crying out loud. <3 And let God in to hold you.
Here’s how I tend to do it: simply feel, but imagine doing it in front of the Father’s throne. In His presence… with Him sitting in front of you in your bedroom or on your back porch. Let Him be there with you, and simply feel what you need to feel. Say what you need to say. Read simple scriptures in Psalms. Make the brave decision to wake up every day, and let God in. Cry in the shower? Let God in. Be angry deep down? Let God in. And your people too.
Don’t fake it, but don’t let your grief become your resolve.
You see… oover the course of a few days, this small small candlelight of hope began to flicker deep in my soul. Hope comes only from the God of hope.
I didn’t know what it meant, or how the heck to move forward- that wasn’t needed for right now.
What I DID need to know, and what you do too, is that all is not lost. The GOD OF HOPE is flickering inside of you.
And somehow, someway… you’re slowly coming out of the deep darkness.
There is no timeline for grief (don’t rush yourself) but the deep darkness of grief isn’t meant to last forever. And in that you can take hope.
God holds you AND God LEADS you. Forward… in Him.
“ the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13
It truly was only the Lord and community that lifted Ryan and I out of that darkness over the course of a few weeks.
And slowly, I’m starting to pray about what our next steps should be.
Do I still have moments where I’m overcome with sadness or frustration? Yes. 100% yes.
But I know, in the midst of this ick… I feel held. Somehow.
God is big enough to let me grieve, and also hold me in His Sovereignty.
My friend… you can grieve with God too. And find peace in simply being held by Him.
I share this part of our story, in a way to give myself permission to move forward. But mostly because I know that God has a story and testimony He is writing. And I don’t want to keep a part of our story quiet, when I know there are others out there who need to see they aren’t alone and that the Lord IS NEAR.
So I don’t have a pretty bow to tie this up with, but one thing I find true over and over and over again is that:
“I am my beloved’s and my beloved is mine…” Song of Solomon 6:4
If you and I have nothing else, we have Jesus and He will never leave us. He heals us through COMMUNITY and the intimate times just us and Him.
And that’s what life is all about.
Being with the Lord and falling deeper in love with the God who is never shaken, even when you are.
So who knows how God will finish this story of growing our family?
But I’m not giving up on Him. I pray you never will either my friend.
With all my love,
Lanissa